Barstool’s First 11 becomes Barstool’s First XI
Hi haters,
I normally stick to weekend and midweek previews but exceptional times call for exceptional measures, and two recent events gave me no choice but to take a break from my normal routine and pinch off a random non-traditional blog on a Tuesday night.
Event #1: Soccer – once the red-headed stepchild of sports around here – is slowly but surely gaining respect in and around Barstool. Big Cat owns a damn team, Feitelberg never walks alone, JSB is an out-and-proud footie fan, McAfee would have played in college if a highly profitable career in the NFL had not beckoned, Zah masturbates thinking about Thierry Henry, David Portnoy of all people recently talked about how much he LOVES the sport on a pizza review (I may have paraphrased that a bit), and Kmarko literally just tweeted this moments ago:
Point being, anyone who was around this website when I first started posting in the run-up to the 2014 (aka the Stone Ages in blogging years) will know what I mean when I say things have come a LONG way for jogo bonito in the intervening period.
Event #2: Barstool’s list of employee numbers was just posted on the internet for shits and giggles. The catalogue of names and digits corresponding when they were brought on as full-time employees makes for some interesting reading, with the number and pace of new additions to the list since Erika (#20) came on board being downright mind-bottling… and suggests that Portnoy’s “Operation Moonshot” may be on pace to hit pay dirt a lot sooner than anyone would have predicted.
But I digress.
Now back to the reason for this blog: given how quickly everybody – the comment section in particular – has been falling head over heels in love with soccer around here, plus the newly unveiled Barstool employee numbers, it only made sense to combine them into the GREATEST STARTING XI EVER ASSEMBLED***.
***using only the first 11 employees at Barstool
Based on the reactions I got on twitter, reading is difficult for some people, so I am going to spell the rules of this little thought experiment out a little more clearly:
- Only the first 11 full-time employees are eligible for this “First XI” (a competing second XI may be formed eventually leading to a winner-take-all battle to the death… I donno, I’m still workshopping that part).
- As a corollary to that, even though I would have thought this would go without saying, would-be starters like JSB and McAfee were not eligible because they were not among the first 11 employees hired. Are we now clear on that? Good, great, GRAND.
STARTING XI
As one might expect given the exploding popularity of soccer – sorry Jared!
the good people of twitter offered quite a lot of feedback on my XI, and I respect their right to harbor incorrect opinions, but here is a little more expansive explanation for the picks…
Keeper – Big Cat… anybody questioning this call either doesn’t appreciate Dan’s world class (relatively speaking) combination of size and cat-like reflexes, or doesn’t understand soccer, or more likely both.
Fullbacks – Louis and Nate… some people suggested Nasty Nate might be better suited for an Fernandinho-like role as defensive central midfielder, which has some merit, but I’d prefer to rely on his tactical spider money skills to shut down opposing wingers, and Sweet Lou usually works behind the scenes so a low key left back slot just sounded right.
Centerbacks – Gaz and Smitty… let’s call a spade a spade. We ain’t Barcelona. We ain’t Man City. Scoring eight goals a game is not what Barstool FC is going to be about. I see us as more of a Stoke City (circa 2011) type squad. A physical presence in the middle of defense to scare the bejesus out of spritely little strikers and overly adventurous attacking midfielders is just what the doctor ordered. Throw them ‘bows, boys.
Wing mids – KFC and Portnoy… everybody and their mother is criticizing these choices, but some sacrifices to reality had to be made. Nobody is in the kind of shape to be busting their ass up and down the field at the moment, but give me 3-4 weeks of treadmill training and cone drills and we’ll see what happens. (Yeah, yeah, Portnoy obviously has the temperament and mentality to play striker but unfortunately this ain’t a democracy and Sam is king of this particular castle, so he is across from KFC on the other wing.)
Center mids – Feitelberg and Milmore… Feits is a hockey guy, which typically translates surprisingly well to soccer, and (as anyone listening to him on KFC Radio can attest) has the kind of creative, slightly unhinged mind that is needed to unlock defenses. N’Golo Milmore is forever underestimated and does all the dirty work in the middle of the field.
Strikers – Kmarko and Hank… anyone who saw Kmarko play basketball will realize the guy is sneaky athletic, and after whiling away his days behind the scenes as editor in chief it sort makes sense that he’d be both a silent assassin and glory hound anytime he straps on the shin guards. Hank is obviously the glue guy up top making off the ball runs to open things up for teammates. Obviously.
***********
So there it is. I’m at a word count of, oh let’s see, 891 as it stands right now. That makes this both the shortest blog I have ever posted for Barstool, and the one that will probably catch the most shit from commenters. (Too bad I already got that click, cuz!)
Big day for soccer. Big day for Barstool. And a big day for soccer at Barstool.
I’ll be back with my next installment of the weekend SOCCER preview on Friday. Till then…
Holler,
Samuel Army